‘Internet 101’ teaches not to announce you are going out-of-town, so instead I will announce that we are back-in-town.  We just spent one week on the beautiful beaches of Santa Rosa, Florida.  This was a treat from my parents which was originally scheduled as a celebration after the original diagnosis and treatment were to be over.  We, instead, had to view this more as a refreshing change of scenery, fun for the kids and some concentrated family time.

Spring Break fell right on week 2 of my 3-week chemo cycle – it’s the toughest of all weeks. Jonathan and I drove down two days late because I had to get the shot that increases my white blood cells, and my fatigue hit hard around that same time.  When we made it to FL on Monday, we had such a beautiful condo.  Mom and Dad saved the master bedroom for me and Jonathan – it had a large sliding glass door that opened right onto the balcony.  I could enjoy the ocean breeze and view from bed or from the lounge chair that was just a few feet away from our bed.  It was perfect!  That in itself made it worth the drive!

My contribution as a mom of  3 was very little all week.  When the anemia sets in, my energy drops to an unbeilevable low, my hearts works harder and the simplest things are frustratingly exhausting.  Despite the extra effort,  I was able to sit on the beach one afternoon, enjoy a short stint in the hot tub twice, and go to a couple of our favorite restaurants with beach views.  On Friday evening, Jonathan and I had a date night at the condo – he picked up take-out and we watched the sunset while sitting at our balcony table.

All wonderful things, but all with a debilitating amount of fatigue.  For example, even cracking and eating crab legs was too exhausting (one of my favorite things) – my Dad and Jonathan had to do that for me.  And to feel like you are contributing to the fun of your kids’ spring break is out of the question – the goal is to be strong for them, and just try to build up physically with rest and nutrition.

This is where the mental and sprirtual battle really comes into play – It has been the hardest part of this entire mess.  Your mind becomes so worn down, doubt sets-in, and between the weakness and the pain (muscle and joint from the shot), you start to wonder if the chemo is even on your side.  I’m just being honest, it was really hard to keep it together this week. There’s also the added feeling of guilt because Jonathan and my parents had to pick up my slack as well – and we all know how much a mom contributes to childcare, food prep, mood of the day, etc.  On top of that, I’m so frustrated because I still feel knots on my forehead, which I had hoped would be gone after cycle two. Oh, and did I mention I’m bald? 🙂

I have such tremendous support.  My parents and Jonathan’s parents rotate with the help we need at home.  And between meals being brought over by friends, and many offers to help, we feel like we are so covered. Yet, this is obviously still the most challenging time in my life.

As we were driving home from FL, I felt like I was under a complete oppression – maybe you know the feeling.  It is a horrible place to be.  And next to me is my husband who is trying to drive the car safely and deal with three children arguing over who is touching whom, etc. – you’ve got to be kidding me!!!   I snuggled against my king-sized pillow from home and I just tried to close my eyes and pray and rest.  Both Jonathan and I have had times over the last week where we feel like we can’t breathe – it is just TOO much.  When I finished resting/hiding, I told Jonathan I think I’ve got to treat this like I’m training for a race.  And I mean it on all levels.  Obviously, getting the nutrition in, also exercising whenever physically possible, but above that this is truly a mental/spiritual battle.  It’s the unseen and the unpalpable that are the most insidiously damaging right now.

Jonathan agreed.  We scrounged the suitcases and car for earbuds and headphones to try to get the kids quiet and focused for a few minutes so we could talk – Okay, Soul Surfer is not 3-year-old-friendly, but we were desperate.   Finally we could talk.  Jonathan, who is also feeling like he’s been worn down to his core, referred to the  scripture of putting on the “Armor of God.”  For those who grew up in church, you’ll remember that in Ephesians 6:10-18 God tells us that our real battle is not with people, it’s with the unseen powers of evil.  It then tells us how we are to protect ourselves with His armor.

So, I’ve been reading these verses today and circling, contemplating how it translates into my life right now.  A great tool is to ask a child. I asked our youngest daughter what she can tell me about the Armor of God.  I took notes – they are usually smarter, have more focused faith and are pretty brilliant.  Here is her take on it:  “Well, it’s not actual armor.  It’s what God is.  They are individual pieces of Him put into you as your guard.  For when sin’s bows and arrows come at you, they bounce off and protect you by God.  Even when you get pulled into it – you ask for forgiveness and he always says, “Yes.”

So here I am on a Sunday morning with a lot to train for so that when this battle is over I am standing firm.  I need to intentionally choose each day to read and meditate on God’s Truths in the Bible, so that when the lies and doubts are bombarding me, I have my “armor” on to protect me and guide me through this unbelievably daunting time.  I also need to be persistent in my prayers and stay alert.  I believe this is more than a physical battle I’m in, but a spiritual one as well.  And I need to play offensively.

Please pray for:

• Strength/Fortitude: physical, mental, spiritual
• Healing: please pray that cycle 3 starting on March 31st is the beginning of the end – remission! (I will have a re-staging scan between cycle 3 and 4.)
• God’s glory.  Of course, we want comfort, healing, etc., but above all for the goodness of God to be seen through this trial.
• Protection of our family: patience, energy, quality time with each child
• Praise for all the love shown to us through family and friends, and even those we don’t personally know!